Eviction Notice

Dear Bunnies that live under my shed,

      I regret to inform that while you have been wonderful and adorable neighbors that we have decided to get a dog. Unfortunately our dog is a hound, so you will need to find new homes once spring hits.

      I know we just went through a change when we got rid of the bushes next to our driveway and I would like to apologize about that as well. That one was a bit offensive as it was purely an aesthetic choice. It was not a major change as there is still the big rhododendron at the other side of the house. That thing is massive and a wonderful home. It will be all that we have left to offer you guys.

      I wanted to thank you for your time with us, Somehow, at the peak of the housing market you bought the space under the shed from the skunks that used to live there and we are eternally grateful you were able to do so. For obvious reasons, mostly the smell, but also because you guys are cuter and better neighbors. My wife and her garden would disagree, but she’s not writing this, I am.

      We always enjoyed running into you in the backyard when chopping wood or doing yard work. I loved the way we’d accidentally sneak up on you and you’d run away. Ten feet away, a few hops, and then you’d stop. I’d try to find you as you blend into the grass and shrubs. It was amazing to see the bunny tracks in the yard all winter long. We got a ton of snow and every morning, we got fresh bunny tracks. From under the car, down our driveway, across the house side of the privacy bush, to the rhododendron to the shed in the backyard. We joked it was your morning commute.

      For animals as skittish as bunnies are known to be, you guys were fairly brazen when it came to us. I’d leave for work early in the morning, and there one or two of you would be, chilling in my front yard, not five feet from me as I walked to my car. I’d say good morning and be on my way. It was adorable. I have run out of ways to call you guys cute! I have exhausted my limited vocabulary! You broke me.

      Our new dog is a hunter with a decent prey drive. So it is best you guys get going before spring comes. She’s a Catahoula Leopard hound mix and she has spent every walk meerkat’ing over the snowbanks to look for small woodland creatures, like yourselves. I can tell she is good at hunting. And she can definitely fit under the shed. Her army crawl almost gets her under the baby gate we have set up to keep her away from the cats.

      Maybe you guys will be like the cats and one good swipe or very scary defensive action or noise will scare our dog and allow you all to live in peace. That is unlikely with wild bunnies.

      I cannot express enough how much I have enjoyed our time together. Our fenced in backyard was a refuge from all the dogs in our neighborhood. I apologize for joining the ranks of dog owners. That fenced in backyard will be a great place for our dog to run around. It is no longer your safe space. It is now a very deadly place. I am sorry to have done this to you.

      I am not sure where you will go, but if it were me, I'd go hang out with the wild turkeys. If they accept cohabitating with you, they will offer great protection from the dogs and coyotes in our neighborhood. If I knew which houses had humans allergic to dogs, I would point them out, If I could help you safely move, I would. You guys are wild animals, so all I can do is send my condolences to random people on the internet. It helps ease the guilt in my conscience.

      Farewell bunnies,

Sincerely,

Your landlord that only ever took rent in the form of “awww, cute bunny!” and “good morning Mr Bun-bun!”